Why I Stopped Chasing Approval and Started Painting for Myself Again

Studio journal: rediscovering creativity, painting process, and the beginning of a new series.

Hey, surprise. I’m back.

Remember when I said I was going to start a newsletter?

Yeah… that didn’t really work.

I wanted to do something special for you, but if I’m honest, it just wasn’t right for me.

Truthfully, I’m not sure much of what I’ve done in the last few years was right for me. I think I’ve been chasing approval for a long time, believing that if I could just get it, I’d finally become a “successful artist.”

But I’ve realized something important.

My value to you isn’t in making what you want.

My value is in making what I want and showing you how to see the world a little differently.

That’s my power.
That’s my secret sauce.
That’s what makes me special.

For a long time I thought that thing was the word portraits. I came up with those on my own, developed them, and they got attention. Honestly, they may still be what I’m remembered for someday.

But I’m more than that.

What makes my work unique isn’t the technique. It’s the way it invites people to see differently. The word portraits are just one piece of that.

Last October I started a Print Club where I planned to release a portrait of a musician each month using their lyrics. I thought we could connect through music, because music is another art form that speaks deeply to me.

But something strange started happening.

I began worrying about whether you would like the musician that month.
I worried about how each artist would represent each month.
I worried about expectations.

Slowly, I started to feel boxed in.

It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I noticed something ironic: the most requested portraits were also the lowest-selling prints.

So in January I made a decision.

I said, “Forget it. I’m going to follow my creativity.”

And honestly? It’s already been a wild ride.

Rediscovering the Studio

The shift showed up immediately in the studio.

The first painting was a camellia flower. Camellias symbolize rebirth and new life, which felt strangely appropriate. At the time it was just an experiment a way to loosen up and try to find my voice again.

Not a new voice.

My voice.

That painting led to studies of oranges and fog, and conversations about growth, endurance, and the cycles of life.

Eventually, that led to a bigger question:

What do we endure for?

To me, the obvious answer was love.

So I started painting abstract figures knotted together in embraces.

But then something interesting happened. I got sick, and while my wife was taking care of me I realized I had accidentally fallen into another trap. I was painting the kind of love we see in movies; the sweeping, romantic kind that carries people away.

That’s one kind of love.

But it’s not the only kind.

So I started exploring other kinds of love in my paintings:

Care
Ancient love
The quiet love of family
Jealousy and toxic love

The complicated, messy love that actually fills our lives

That exploration eventually turned into a larger piece called Inner Connected, which became a Print Club piece.

Even though it’s technically a print club, I still try to make something personal each month. The print itself is part of it, but the little mini paintings I send are really about you; a small thank-you for being part of this strange journey with me.

A New Series Begins

The painting that followed Inner Connected surprised me.

Originally I thought it would show tree roots transforming into human figures; all these ideas of growth and transformation blooming together.

But the painting had a different plan.

What it’s turning into is something much bigger than I expected. Honestly, I’m not even sure how to fully describe it yet.

Which probably means it’s the beginning of a new series.

I’ll talk more about that in another post.

Showing Up Again

For years I’ve had an alarm set on my phone that goes off every Monday at 10AM reminding me to write here.

And for years I ignored it.

Fear will do that.

But if my job is to show people how to live creatively and see the world in a different way, then I have to be willing to take the first step myself.

You can’t meet someone halfway if they can’t trust you to show up.

So this is me showing up.

I’m going to keep writing here about the paintings, the ideas behind them, and the process as it unfolds in the studio.

Even when I’m afraid of looking stupid.

Because honestly, that’s where all of this gets good — when we’re willing to look stupid and just do it anyway.

Follow the Journey

This post is part of my Studio Journal, where I share how ideas evolve into paintings.

If you’d like to see the finished work or follow along as new paintings develop, you can explore the work at philvance.com.